The 3 Coolest Make-Believe Alien vs Cryptid Battles

[Written by Casey T. Duncan]

I don’t know what it says about me that my brain does this, but it does: I’ll be doing something normal—counting my He-Man figures—and suddenly I’m like… who wins in a fight between a Grey alien and Bigfoot? Not “who’s real” (calm down, internet). This is purely imaginary pay-per-view energy.

So here are three matchups I’d pay good money to see.

1) Roswell Grey vs Bigfoot

Location: Pacific Northwest tree line, fog on maximum setting.
Vibe: “I can freeze your mind” vs “I can end your bloodline.”

The Grey steps out like it owns the scene—silent, smooth, with that calm little hand lift like it’s about to tap a touchscreen in the air. Then it does the classic move: freeze the room—mind-state shutdown. Birds stop mid-tweet. The wind holds its breath. Even the fog seems to pause and wait for instructions.

Bigfoot… does not get the instructions.

How it goes:

  • The Grey tries to lock Bigfoot in a psychic box: be still, be calm, be studied.

  • Bigfoot counters with the most disrespectful response possible: Andre-the-Giant strength with Ric Flair energy.

  • We’re talking a full “grab-by-the-torso, spin once, and throw you like a lawn chair” situation.

  • The Grey makes a noise that can only be described as “ultra mega super regret.”

Winner: Bigfoot, decisively.
Post-fight headline: “Elusive Ape Man Goes Viral on Instagram”

2) Reptilian vs Werewolf

Location: A foggy Texas pasture, 3:12 AM.
Vibe: Aggressive strategist vs lunar chaos.

Let’s be honest: this one is close.

Reptilians aren’t just “schemey.” They’re strong, fast, and aggressive—like a heavyweight fighter who also took an honors course in intimidation. They don’t posture; they advance. This is the kind of opponent that doesn’t miss twice.

Werewolf shows up looking like a bad decision given fur and teeth. But here’s the key: werewolf power isn’t constant. It’s a dial.

How it goes (and why it’s close):

  • The Reptilian comes in hot—clean strikes, ugly slashes, brutal speed, and that cold “I’ve done this before” confidence.

  • The werewolf takes damage early. Like, real damage. If you bet on the Reptilian in the first 30 seconds, you’re feeling smart.

  • The pasture fog swirls. The fence posts creak. The tension is thick enough to bottle and sell at Buc-ee’s.

Then the moon shifts.

Full moon power hits and the werewolf stops fighting like an animal and starts fighting like a natural disaster.

  • The Reptilian lands another heavy blow… and the werewolf barely notices.

  • The werewolf’s strength spikes like somebody just plugged it into a wall outlet.

  • What was “close” becomes “oh no.”

Winner: Werewolf—by full moon cheat code.
Important note: any other night? This might go the other way.
Post-fight headline: “Texas Pasture Quiet Again After Brief Incident Involving Fog, Teeth, And Regret.”

3) Insectoid vs Fresno Nightcrawler (The Ghost Pants Cryptid)

Location: Fresno, California backyard at 2:17 AM, security cam quality set to “2007.”
Vibe: Ancient hive intelligence vs a pair of haunted trousers on a peaceful stroll.

If you don’t remember the Fresno Nightcrawler: it looks like walking white pants—no torso, no arms, just pure “laundry spirit” energy. It doesn’t menace. It glides. It’s the most polite cryptid of all time.

Insectoid shows up like the universe’s scariest scientist—tall, angular, quiet, with the vibe of someone who judges your entire species in one look.

How it goes:

  • The Insectoid tries to scan it.

  • The pants do not scan. The pants simply continue being pants.

  • The Insectoid pauses, recalculates, and experiences something new: confusion.

  • The Nightcrawler drifts away like it’s late for absolutely nothing.

Winner: Fresno Nightcrawler, by being unbothered and unexplainable.
Post-fight headline: “Creepy Insect Dude Defeated By Casual Stroll.”

Final Ranking (Based on Coolness, Not Science)

  1. Fresno Nightcrawler (unbothered champion)

  2. Bigfoot (forest tank, suplex adjacent)

  3. Werewolf (full moon = unfair advantage)

If you disagree, that’s fine. This is Side Column. We can argue politely like adults and then immediately change the subject to action figures.